Watching the clouds in my mind playing in the wind
My inner life has been a maelstrom lately. Emotional states whirl through me, changing from moment to moment, careening wildly. I feel buffeted, out of touch and out of control, watching myself tossed about. Images from nature abound: tossed like a leaf in the breeze, like a twig in a spring stream's waters. Resting only restlessly, I'm tired, exhausted by the constant flow of moods. And so much negativity. Can't seem to be OK with anything.

External influences, which I can usually face with equanimity, have taken over the steering of my emotional life. Work, which used to be a pretty good gig, has been intensely stressful, and I feel it coming from too many different directions. I don't like feeling so hostile, angry, inpatient, intolerant. My usual defenses against petty irritations aren't working; petty irritations feel like major attacks. My toys and games and silly diversions, things I've gathered to keep my experience of life in perspective, fail me now. Frustrated with myself, with the people around me, with my work, I spend too much of my day letting this stuff get to me, watching helplessly as my moods move out of my control. I don't like myself like this, and dislike begins to feed on itself.

Things don't feel much better at home. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs doing, by the chaos my surroundings have slipped into while I wasn't paying attention. Having myself slipped into a hibernation mode that's common in Maine during the long winter, I look around and see too much to do, too many things that feel wrong, too much stuff, too little time, too little energy. Nothing satisfies; everything becomes a chore and a problem too big to handle right now. I'm surrounded by clutter and disorganization, and each attempt to attack even one small piece of it ends in frustration. Feng shui, hell. Feng shui Hell.

And money! Always an area of great weakness for me, finances have become a nightmare, another experience of chaos. My attempts to gain control over my budget, like my attempts to gain control over my physical environment, have become overwhelmed by external circumstance and internal angst. I hate living on the financial edge, and in trying to keep myself relatively safe while peering into the precipice, I find myself in free-fall instead. I keep miscalculating, and one small mistake leads to a n avalanche of costly screw-ups. Again, I can't seem to make any headway. It's all become overwhelming and hopeless and frustrating.

Even the good parts of my life aren't feeling good. I look forward to coming home to the critters, to going out for a walk with the dogs, to lying down and cuddling the cats. But I'm tired and irritable and unable to enjoy the company of my patient and loving companions. I feel like a bad mom. I'm not giving them enough time and attention. I just want to be left alone, but being left alone is really the last thing I really want, or need.

And throughout it all, that part of me that knows what's important, that knows "this too will pass," that sees the goodness and the beauty and the great blessings of my world, that part whispers in the background, trying in vain to keep my attention for more than a moment. In the swirling gusts of my impotence and dissatisfaction, that voice is the brief flash of sunlight, the glimpse of brightness and sensation of warmth that pulls at my consciousness, trying to remind me, trying to bring me back into balance. But like my check book, like the dirty floors plagued by mud and pet hair, my consciousness doesn't seem to balance, doesn't seem to come clean for more than a moment. Then it slides back into that gray, restless state, overwhelmed by itself.

Last night I got reading and lost track of time, it was nearing dawn before I realised how far past time for sleep I'd gone. Facing a day of challenges on a couple hours of sleep doesn't make for getting closer to balance and perspective. I was feeling pensive when I opened my laptop to write about all this, and in the short time it's taken to dash off a few paragraphs, I've gone through a smaller, less intense version of the whirlwind that my mind's been lately. The words aren't right, I'm not expressing what I want to say, my thoughts are disconnected, I don't like what I've written. My pensive state has moved into desperate tiredness (that lack of sleep last night), frustration with the writing process in which I usually take delight, disgust at my own inadequcies.

It's time to turn my head around. It's time, I tell myself, to just suck it up and deal. Use all those clever techniques you know perfectly well, those things you write and talk about so glibly so often. Just go to work and let go of the crap. Just take on one task, one colleague at a time. Just clear off one counter, go through one box of junk. Just pay one bill, make one phone call. But damn, all those ones add up and start to look big again--a lot bigger than the potential payoffs of actually doing them. And here I am again, blowing in the breeze, tossing in the stream, and totally and completely unable to Be Here Now.

But wait! Sudden inspration. The sun comes from behind the clouds, the wind dies down, the air feels sweet and warm. Oooh, I even get a line, Dylan: "The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind." Well, hot damn! I'm blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind, things must be well with the world after all. I can handle this shit. Tomorrow is a new day. What am I worried about? It's all good. Look what fun you just had talking to your new friends online, reading all those Twitters, listeining to those new songs you found tonight. Look how sweet the dogs are. sprawled out, contented because Mom is close by and their tummies are full. Look how cute the kitties are, all curled up together on the bed. Good lord, woman, just go brush your teeth and put out the lights, get some sleep. What a silly you are!

Yup. Feeling much better, thank you very much. Wonder if I'll wake up happy or hostile. Wonder if tomorrow will be the day things turn around, or more of the same. Wonder what I'll have for breakfast. Boy, am I tired.

Wonder how we crazy humans ever evolved to be what we are.

FISH-DO. Fuck it. Shit happens. Drive on.